No More No Less
by Miss-Savvi
Summary: A small collection of mostly Jizabel and some CassianxJizabel one-shots. Contains adult themes well no worse that my other stories , and the rating may elevate in future chapters. Sorry not much of a summary because it's not continuous story.
1. Forget it

_A/N: Alright, as you may know, Breaking Benjamin is one of my favourite bands, next to My Chemical Romance, of course. Anyway, I just got their new CD (finally!) and there are a few songs on here that really remind me of Godchild (surprise, surprise!) but really, there are three or four songs in particular, so I'm writing three or four little chapters that will all be wrapped up in a single story. They do NOT run coherently! So don't post comments like "wtf?" okay? Here's the first of these chapters: "Forget it"_

_It's a crime you let it happen to me_

_Never mind, I'll let it happen to you._

_Out of mind, forget it, there's nothing to lose_

_But my mind and all the things I wanted_

Was this the final straw, or had he lost his mind years ago? He smiled, examining the white skin of his arms, and the series of scars from the ropes that tainted them. Yes…to let this continue…he had to have lost his mind years ago. Slender fingers traced the marks, and amethyst eyes fell closed. Jizabel took a shaken breath, trying to control his heart, which was slamming painfully against his chest. His stomach was knotted, and his body ached, bile would rise into his throat only to be swallowed back down.

Nightmarish memories flashed like lightning in his mind. His sisters and mother, his father, Snark, blood, sin, the crucifix that hung around his neck, Cassandra, DELILAH…all them had slowly twisted his mind into the darkness. What kind of person would he have turned into if he could start life over? Another half smile crossed his lips, it didn't do any good to think that way…If he were innocent still, he'd be stupid. _The innocent only know lies. They only see what they want to see…hear what they want to hear…this world is sick._ The thoughts played themselves over and over in his mind, constantly repeating until he could believe them.

_Every time I get it I throw it away_

_It's a sign, I get it, I want to stay_

_By the time I lose it, I'm not afraid_

_I'm alive, but I can surely fake it_

The scalpel barely trembled, the blade clutched in his palm hard enough to draw blood. He stared at the scars around his wrists again and managed to hold back a shudder. He could still feel Cassandra's lips upon his own, and he could still taste him on his tongue. It made him want to vomit, but once more, he swallowed, and focused on the task at hand. His frame was beaten, bones had probably snapped, the bruises on his hips ached, but still he smiled. As long as blood ran through his veins, everything could still be taken away. All the pain could disappear.

"Humans are disgusting, this world is tainted, I'm sick…" he whispered, wincing as he pulled himself off of the floor and onto the bed. Clothing was torn in places, blood ran down his legs, staining the backs of his thighs. A shiver made its way through his body. Again, he looked at the scalpel in his hand, watching with sick fascination as his own blood trickled from his palm to his wrists. The blade dropped to the side of the bed, and he rolled onto his back. More agony.

The moments seemed like hours that he lay there, waiting for the pain to numb, but it never did.

"Heh…we're all disgusting…" he said. "Every. Last. One. Of us." The words fell from his mouth, each quieter than the last. His body needed sleep, but his mind knew that sleep only brought nightmares. So he lay there, wide awake, praying that the pain would numb, knowing that it wouldn't. "Can I even hope to escape this hell?" the question was almost an amused laugh. He brought a shaking hand to cover his eyes, blood from where the scalpel had dug into his skin stuck to his cheeks. Moments passed that the hand lingered there, blinding his sight with crimson.

"Father…you love me, don't you?..." the amethyst eyes opened slowly. "…I know that you do…father…you have to…I'm your son, right?..." The tears were already forming at the backs of his eyes. "…Do you know what he does to me…father? Do you even see at all?" The hand covered with blood angrily wiped away the tears, smearing the red liquid across his face. "Do you know the hell I go through? That I can't speak up because _nobody_ cares? But…" the whisper faded until it was barely audible "You care…don't you, father…?"

The pain beneath his hips had subsided enough that he could swing his legs over the side of the bed. His feet touched the floor, sending icy chills through his veins. Jizabel suppressed a shudder, stood, and crossed the room at an agonizingly slow pace.

Slender, shaking fingers gripped the edge of the changing screen with all their strength before Jizabel let go collapsing into a chair behind it. He winced in pain, taking a moment to sit and think. Again, the room quieted, except for the beating of his heart.

"Why…?" the words were spoken softly, but powerfully? He cast his eyes upwards, not sure who he was talking to, but knowing very well who he was talking about. "You sick…you sick bastard…" the tremble in his voice was apparent, and his shoulders shook, trying too hard not to break down and cry. Cassandra would _not _be the one to cause his tears. Not right now. Not ever again. God he wished that were true. "Why me? What the hell do you want from me?" it was no use, a sob slipped from his lips, choking up his words. "You say you want to see me afraid?..." he stood with a sudden surge of anger. The chair slid across the floor a little, but he didn't notice. "Is that what you want? Is this some sort of sick game! What do you want from me? Do you want to see me scared!" A sharp pain brought him back to reality. Once more, he fell back against the chair, burying his face in his hands, tears now falling without control. His body shook, finally cracking under everything. "Well…well…do you? Because right now…I'm-I'm…" the last word came out softly. "…_terrified…" _

_How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me?_

Pale moonlight poured in through a crack in the curtains. Wind swept through the room, sending a chill down his spine, but Jizabel didn't notice. He simply sat there, face still hidden, tears still pouring from his eyes. If he fought hard enough, perhaps he could just disappear. If he wished himself somewhere else, maybe he'd wake up and be there. He shook his head, those were pointless thoughts. Pointless thoughts that only made reality worse. He began across the room again, grabbing a robe and putting it on as he walked. After what seemed like hours, he stopped beside the bed.

"I'm the sick one here…" he concluded, pulling the robe tighter around his body. The mattress barely sank underneath his thin frame "Father…you don't care about me…no, you only love Cain…I'm a fool to think otherwise…and Cassandra…I'm the one who simply accepts everything he does to me, no matter how vile." The sheets were pulled back on the bed, and Jizabel slipped beneath them, curling into himself once more. "…I'm all alone…truly…no one cares." The last of his tears fell, sinking into the silky pillowcase. "…_but…perhaps…someone really does love yo_u-," he had to stop his thoughts again, reminding himself that dreams did nothing. "no…they do not…just…forget it."

_You're the part of me that I don't want to see_

_X X X_

A/N: This didn't go as I thought it would. I may add a part two with some Cassian in it…I dunno yet. Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think? Please? Yes, as I go through the final proofread...I think I will add a part two with Cassian. Hmm...more on that later


	2. Anthem of the Angels

Alright, if you recall, some months ago I wrote a Cassian to Jizabel one-shot thing. I re-read it…it wasn't god-awful but I think it could be better. Here it is, the redo of "Could I Change Your Mind?" Based on the lyrics from "Anthem of the Angels" by Breaking Benjamin.

_White walls surround us_

_No light will touch your face again_

_Rain taps the window_

_As we sleep among the dead_

I knew that you had become numb to the world. Numb to everything but fear, and hate…madness. It was painful for me to watch you, but I never left your side. I can't begin to imagine what you must have felt, if you felt anything at all.

But…what did _I _feel?

You followed so blindly after a father who didn't care for his son. I remember, you told me that one night…after you'd endured another one of your "punishments". You whispered so quietly that I didn't know if I'd imagined your words, or if they'd really been spoken. You told me that you knew you meant next to nothing to him. I heard the tears in your voice, but it wasn't my business so I kept my mouth shut. I wouldn't have known what to say anyway. In the back of my mind, I still wonder what went on that night for him to create wounds that deep. I still wonder if you would have told me if I had asked.

_Days go on forever but I have not left your side_

_We can chase the dark together_

_If you go, then so will I_

You were brilliant. The smartest person I knew, even still I have yet to meet someone of your intelligence. But…you were also so foolish! To spend all those years trying to earn some sort of love- no, _acknowledgement _from a man you knew didn't care for you. Really, I can't imagine something more stupid! My breath escapes in angry spirals, before disappearing into the cold winter air. All that time you tried to please him, tried to earn any sign of attachment from him when _I _was the one who was always. Right. Here.

_There is nothing left of you_

_I can see it in your eyes_

_Sing the anthem of the angels_

_And say the last goodbye_

I tried, god, I _tried_…I tried so hard to pull you from hell. But I wasn't strong enough, and in the end, as you fell deeper into the flames, and into insanity, I was only burned. I still haven't let go of your hand, though. It wasn't until I held you in my arms, as you took your final breaths that I realised what you meant to me. When your blood splashed against my skin, sickeningly warm, I knew what I felt towards you. I knew why my chest ached whenever I saw you hurt, I knew why I felt your pain all those nights we stayed up, bandaging scars that would never fully heal. I knew that there would be no life without you, and I knew that what you wanted all along…was love.

_Cold light above us_

_Hope fills the heart and fades away_

_Skin white as winter_

_As the sky returns to gray_

You always used to say that there was no such thing as unconditional love, but for once, you were wrong. Although, the only "love" you knew was pain, so I can't blame you for not knowing any better. I suddenly feel angry at myself for feeling angry towards you. I remember trying to tell you that following Alexis was next to useless, but you only lashed out and me and told me to leave. That was one of the times I stood up to you. If I recall correctly, you smacked me across the face and shut the door. Any normal person would have left then, but I didn't. Then again…at that hell, no one was "normal". I remember what I had said to you, I told you that _I _was there for you, and that _I _always would be. He didn't care about you like I did, doctor.

_Days go on forever but I have not left your side_

_We can chase the dark together_

_If you go then so will I_

God…there were times when I just wanted to _strangle _you. A smile almost crosses my face when I think of all the occasions that you had pushed me to the brink of insanity, what with your late night killings, and demanding tasks. The first two months of working for you…Christ, I wanted to take my _own_ life! This time, I manage to laugh a little, silence quickly settles, though, because there's nothing amusing now that you're gone. Perhaps thinking back to those days would have been better if you were alive.

A cold wind practically freezes my lungs, but I don't move. My fingertips are probably frostbitten by now, but that doesn't matter. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to feel anything at all. Life would be some much easier that way.

_There is nothing left of you _

_I can see it in your eyes, _

_Sing the anthem of the angels_

_And say the last goodbye_

It's almost been a year since you selfishly took your own life. One year without you and it feels like I'm losing my mind. It's easy for you; you're dead. You never have to feel anything ever again (not that you did when you were alive). But what about me? How could you leave me behind? Everything happened too late…memories of that day flood my mind. If I would have been a second or two sooner, I could have stopped you from taking that bullet, I could have taken you away from that place, we could have _escaped_ and lived somewhere peaceful, together. On a farm, with animals, and nature. You would have liked it…

Wait…_We? Together? _I must be foolish to think that you would have ever run away, with me none the less. No. Even if I would have realised that I loved you sooner, there's no way you would have felt the same. Either way, I shrug, now it's too late…Everything's always too late. Words. Actions. Thoughts. Everything.

The tears freeze to my face as I grind my teeth in anger, trying so hard not to cry. Crying won't do anything but…Christ…when I told you to escape I didn't mean this! My fists clench at my sides, and more tears fall. Dying doesn't change anything. You should know that! Yes, you have it easy now, doctor; you're dead! You don't have to live knowing that you could have saved the life of the only person you ever loved. You don't have to spend your nights dreaming of blood, and pain. You don't have to keep these thoughts in your head! No…you're gone, and the dead don't have to worry about confessing things to the living…and the living cannot confess things to the dead.

When my vision returns, I can see you there, standing in front of me, smiling, free. It makes me forget how angry I am at you for leaving me. What I wanted all along was to see you happy…and in the end…you _were _set free. I have to remind myself that. Our eyes lock, and I can tell that you're thanking me. It's alright…I forgive you. My hand shakes, reaching out to touch you, our fingers almost brush and I stand up, sinking in the snow that's settled on top of where you lay in the ground. It's so real…until I blink…and when my eyes open again…you're gone. The last of the tears fall to the ground before they can freeze. You may be free, but now I'm the prisoner.

The gravestone gets smaller as I walk away. Part of me wishes that I had never went to that spot today. Old memories force their way into my mind, but I shake them off. Once. Only once I look back to see if you're there, to see if this past year has only been a dream. A nightmare.

But you're not. I remind myself that the dead don't come back.

I loved you, Jizabel. You were too blind to see it…but perhaps I wasn't clear enough? Until the very end, you thought that you were alone…and until the very end, I was here. I still am. In any chance that you were to come back, that you aren't really gone, I'll always be here waiting. You were never alone, Jizabel.

As the forest background fades into the city skyline, and I pass families on the streets, I feel even more bitter. Even more hollow. God…I miss you…

_I keep holding onto you_

_But I can't bring you back to life_

_Sing the anthem of the angels _

_And say the last goodbye_

And even now, you haven't left my mind. Not once does a day go by where you don't invade my thoughts. And everyday, I can't help but wonder what _could have been_. If you would have escaped...would you have lived if I would have told you everything? I wonder what could have been if I never would have left your side. If I would have held on, never letting go.

_I keep holding onto you but I can't bring you back to life_

_Sing the anthem of the angels and say the last goodbye_

A/N: Quite a bit longer than the last one, eh? Please review, favourite, constructively criticize. Whatever!


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